It's been just over a month since I returned from my bike ride. A lot has happened. While part of me can still see that impressive landscape, feel the breeze and warmth of the sun on my skin, and hear the hum of my tires as they cycled over 1200 miles, it seemed the second I got home, literally, life swept me away. My memories of this epic journey are still there, I just have to dig deeper for them. It makes me sad to think that the realities of every day life have so much power so as to drown out that which was only but one monumental accomplishment in a whole universe of keep on keepin' on. But this bike trip, as with my trip back to Korea just over a year ago - they are both secure bases and launching points to which I know I can always return in heart and in mind. While the salience of those experiences in some ways have faded, new meanings and realizations emerge, sparked and ignited by the trajectory of my life and the connections - both familiar and new - that seem to be forming right before my very eyes.
The day after I got back from my trip, I was dumped. How was that for a welcome home? This after I had many realizations and inspirations to keep going in the relationship. Not that I was questioning it at all, it's just that relationships have always been hard for me and for once I was willing to dig my heels in and remain present no matter what because I believed I could do that for myself. The news came out of left field. I had no idea at all that there was anything wrong. Talk about apparent gaps in communication on her part! Wow! I decided at that moment, I wasn't going to give another ounce of my energy to it/her. And, I didn't and haven't. I used that, and a few other things that have been transpiring in my life that involve shitty people essentially, to completely turn this new page in the book. Once again, I left on a major journey, had much time to think, feel, process, realize, close, etc., and I came back new and different in some ways. This was my chance to, in a sense, to begin again. Now that page is turned and I feel like an artist with a new canvas before me. I have an idea of where I want my life to go. I know the tools I need to do it. And I am at peace with the fact that it will be a long process to create my masterpiece that will also evolve and change over time.
Two great journeys have connected my life in the last year. I have set sail on my next one as my doctoral program has officially started. This too will be an incredible journey that will span out over 4-5 years. I've cleaned up myself. I'm cleaning up my life and throwing out those who I put too much negative energy in, those who are too emotionally immature for me, and those who have no concept of a two-way street when it comes to friendship. One of the most salient messages that came through to me on my bike trip was the importance of human connection, and human connection that feels good. I spent alot of time alone. At times it was quite sad and quite lonely, but it made me grateful for the good connections I do have with people, and it made me aware of the work it takes to maintain those connections. So, the page is turned and I'm leaving a number of people behind. They've proved to cause more damage to me and my life than I am willing to ever let happen again. They don't feel good to my spirit and without them, I'd say my spirit feels pretty damn good!
With life taking me away, I still feel like I haven't had time to process fully my ride. With my doctoral program starting and engaging again in research, dialogue, and experiences that connect me with my adoptee identity, more feelings and questions are surfacing once again and I am feeling the connection back to Korea. I know the processing will be slow. I see every day how the impact of experiences of both of these two journeys in my life have significance to even the most mundane of activities. I know the final package will never be final. I know its shape will not be a nice, neat, tidy box. Rather, I imagine it to be some sort of globulous cluster that is always shifting in shape, density, size, and color. But all along, the evolutionary process is constant because no matter what, I will never throw my hands up in the air and say, "I quit." When we do that, it is in that moment that our evolution stops. And I will forever hear and use my sister's words, "I have seen you try harder because you believe all things are possible," and my own mantra of, "I believe I can do this," to continue to do and succeed at that which I set out to accomplish for myself, be it a trip back to my birth country, an epic bike ride, a PhD program, and whatever multitude of adventures still await me. Bring it on.
