Remember riding bikes with the neighbor kids all over the place - races down the street, skid out contests in the cul-du-sac, wheelie contests and giving our friends bucks on our bikes either on the handle bars or on pegs?
Remember tearing up the neighbor's yard while they were away at work playing tackle football and how we'd always time it just right to vacate the premises just before their car appeared coming over the hill? We thought we'd be safe if we weren't there ripping up the grass pretending to be Joe Montana, Herschel Walker, and The Fridge.
Remember the late night ditch games and the bonfires? Remember when we were running through the neighbor's yard that one night and you didnt see the clothes line because it was dark and the bon fire was too far away for the light to provide any assistance?
Remember just sitting on the front steps with a couple of friends drinking sodas or eating icees and just listening to the distant lawn mower, the birds chirping, and the occasional planes flying overhead? Remember the sweet breezes that used to blow and the warm spots in the sun and cool refuge in the shade?
Remember day long, even on into the night, pond hockey games with the neighborhood? Remember snowboarding contests and icy jumps on the sledding hill between the two houses up on the pond?
Remember when it was a big deal to ride our bikes to Texaco and load up on candy and Texaco Tankers full of some awful mixture of Mountain Dew, Orange Soda, Coke, and Mellow Yellow? How we still have teeth is a miracle of nature I suppose. And remember when $3 would buy you more candy than you knew what to do with?
Remember go-cart races and bumper boat derbies? Trips to the A & W Root Beer stand and Dairy Queen. Remember all weekend long softball tournaments, dusty gloves and cleats, sweaty jerseys and the best cheers ever from the bench? Remember every time you robbed me of my famous home run hits? I may or may not still hold a tiny grudge!
As I sit here typing out these words, reminiscing on these memories, I can still feel the wind in my face as I raced down the street on my bike. I can still see the huge plastic Texaco Tanker cups. I can still hear the voices and laughter of all my friends and neighbors at the bon fire or just sitting outside enjoying a beautiful day. I still smell the bon fire smoke in my clothes and filling the cool night air with such an inviting and comforting smell. And I'm still up on our old pond all day and all night playing hockey. And every now and then, I hear the chatter of my co-workers down the hall, or I tune into the construction sounds outside my window, or I glimpse over at the various piles that have started accumulating on my desk and I am reminded, I am not 10 years old anymore enjoying the freedom of being a kid. I'm 32 and a half and dealing with all of the non stop responsibilities of being a grown up. While in reality, I have much more freedom, or, perhaps, different freedom, from when I was a kid. Most days I wish I could be back out on my bike, playing football, drinking Texaco Tankers, and sitting around bon fires every Friday night without a care in the world.
After going to Korea and experiencing all I have there and through my experiences since being back at home, one thing has become extremely clear to me in terms of my life path and what I want and need. The idea of family is extremely important to me. Going back to the orphanage and finding out the information I did and knowing that at one point I had a family in Korea and knowing that I may still have a family there but then being thankful for the adoptive family I came to and knowing that I have that family here that I can talk to and see on a regular basis, this all has reinforced the need for continued family in my life. For me that means at least a kid of my own. I have no interest in giving birth to this child, but am interested in exploring alternative, and extremely expensive, options that fall within the realm of having children. I am starting to battle a bit in my own head with the idea of international adoption and how would that be for me as an international adoptee who has had the experience of going back and who would be so intentional about making sure my adoptive child would have the resources, support, and access to their cultural heritage and personal history. Again, a very expensive option as well.
I know I do not want to be a single parent. I know myself well enough to know I would not do very well with this. I want to relationship - a healthy meaningful relationship. Romantic relationships have always been places I have struggled for a variety of different reasons. While I know not everything has changed for me because of my experiences with Korea, I know a considerable amount has and I feel more in a place to be able to function well within a relationship context. And I am making those grown up decisions in order to be able to have that kind of relationship. I'm not getting any younger and there are things I want in my life. It's not anything I feel I am forcing for myself, but more of an entry into this particular phase of life that I have been evolving to for quite some time. I can envision a partnership, at least a kid, but probably more, love, honestly, commitment, and all those other necessary ingredients for a good, strong, stable relationship, and shared space that we open up to our family and friends that is filled with lots of light, laughter, and positive energy. I can see this so clearly in my mind's eye that it's almost as if I can reach out and grab it.
So I am here in this moment knowing what I want and knowing how to get there and really feeling for the first time that I'm really close. Along with all of this comes to major grown up decisions that I feel more than ready to make. It's not about someone else. It's about me. It's about making a commitment to myself and filling my life, the life I want to have, with the things that I know will allow me to share my life and my heart in ways that I never have before. And although alot of this unfortunately carries dollar signs with it, it's also not about that. It's so much more than that - above and beyond all that - and like alot of things in my life right now, these are things that are seemingly beyond my control in terms of thinking about them, wanting them, or envisioning them. Everything is flooding in so automatically and this new frame has been put before me. In just the last few weeks I have thrown my arms up in the air to the universe and let go of alot of stuff. It's pretty amazing what's resulted from that I do just have to say.
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