Finding Authenticity

The other day I went to an event called "The Other Side of Korean Adoption." Of all the talking I have done about adoption, my own adoptee identity and experiences, and hearing others speak on the topic in various forms, I appreciated the different perspective, at least from what I've been used to, that this event took. What has stuck with me most from this event was the side of Korean adoption from the unwed mothers' experiences. It's heartbreaking to say the least. I could go on and on with all sorts of commentary on the injustices and confining cultural paradigms that continue to oppress and abuse unwed mothers, but I'll save that for another time when my mental capacity is tuned into that frequency.

What I was so moved by were the personal stories told of birth searches and reunifications. Now, I know not all reunifications have "happy" endings per se, but ever since going to Korea last August, I have been thinking about doing a birth family search. Most days it's a distant thought that is barely simmering on some far back burner, but lately, it's coming rushing forward and I can't seem to shake it. I'm 33. My birth mother would be 56 or 57. I feel the pressure of time closing in on me. I feel that childish curiosity of sorts taking control. I feel a yearning to fill in the gaps of my life that are still there. Mostly, I just feel that this is a connection that I am supposed to have in my life - even if it doesn't amount to much. It's a piece of me that's missing and likely always will be unless I do something about it. I have struggled with the thought of drastically changing someone or some peoples' lives by doing this if I were to locate my birth mother. Given the necessity of secrecy and overwhelming shame if the secret were to be revealed (among so many other challenges), the last thing I want to do is have my presence in someone's life cause pain. At the same time, what about me? When does my pain get to stop?

Many things are on my mind these days. My body is starting to react to this stress and anxiety. I feel it. I feel my heart starting to beat irregularly like it used to about a year ago when it was so bad I was put on a heart monitor for over 2 weeks to make sure it wasn't something more serious. I've never had a panic attack. My body hasn't ever really harshly reacted to stress. But, my heart palpitations were the scariest. I think there's alot that has come up with all sorts of adoptee stuff, more memories from my childhood, a need for some kind of stability today, and planning for the kind of future I really want to have, but am doubtful it can happen at this point in my life. Sometimes making it through one day is such a chore. The only thing that offers any kind of relief is working out - now, if I could only do that for 10-12 hours a day, I think I'd be fine.

As I sit and type this, in between thoughts, I look up and see the print my best friend gave to me of the famous Japanese wave. I think about this in a metaphorical sense - it's nothing new - but the waves of life and how things move in waves, or so it seems to me. I feel like not long ago, I was at the top of that wave. So many things were lining up in my favor and it felt great! But, for the past few months, I feel like I've been sort of bumbling around in the rough waters beneath those high waves. Sometimes I just bob up and down, sometimes I'm tossed to and fro, occasionally I get sucked under and struggle to find the surface, and every once in a while, I come hurtling onto shore with a bone jarring crash. Always though - always - is it noisy and chaotic. I'm in search of calmer seas.

I write tonight with a feeling of great uneasiness and a tremendous feeling of being unsettled. I could list out about 400 reasons as to why. I know it's up to me and only me to move on to calmer waters. It's my responsibility to take care of myself and do the things I need and want to do. The decisions are incredibly challenging and emotional. No one can do them for me. No one can hold my hand. And, I cant be passive aggressive in hopes of getting out of making some potentially difficult decisions. In the end, however, I know that I will be better off and my mind and my heart especially, will feel better. I suppose life would be pretty boring if we never came across those kinds of challenges that test our limits. I am pretty burnt out of tests at this point though.

In a previous blog I wrote about my intentions to ride my bike around Lake Superior. Most days I wish I were leaving for that adventure tomorrow. I think I am in desperate need for one of those amazing-ass-kicking-find-yourself experiences. I need that time to be in my head, in my body, and in my heart. I need that time to live presently and as authentically as I can - something I feel I have not been doing a very good job of lately. My shadow grows longer every day because it's harboring so many things that are keeping me from being as true to myself as I want to be. The weight of what is haunting me is suffocating. Instead of being able to shed some of it before more piles on, it's just continued to pile.

So, the solution: quit whining about all of it in this blog entry and do something about it! *Deep breath* here goes nothin'...