A BIG thank you to my mom for getting me my own hotel room for the night! I am hoping for a good and restful full night of sleep. I haven't had a decent sleep yet since I started. I know the cumulative exhaustion has taken its toll on my body. I need some major healing in order to make it through the next two weeks!
This morning was a rough one. Day 6 brought much pain to the usual area. In addition, my quads were screaming all through the night. Having biked up and down mountains yesterday really left its mark. This morning I felt so hopeless, again. Having had a very restless night of sleep and being in agonizing pain, tears welled up in my eyes as I tried to get down some soggy hashbrowns, toast, and rubbery eggs my mom had brought back for breakfast. She and Helene had volunteered to go get me breakfast so that I could sleep. I think the hour or so they were gone was the most I'd slept consistently since starting this ride. Once again I didn't know how I was going to manage another 50-some miles sitting on that damn bike saddle. Talk of medical attention entered into the conversation. I keep entertaining the thought but am sure there's nothing that can be done other then the doctor telling me to rest for a few days and let things heal up. I know at least ONE rest day would do me wonders, but I didn't budget for it in my planning. Stupid on my part, but I had no idea. Lesson learned...the hard way.
I took my time packing up, wanting to delay my start to the day as much as possible. The ever familiar thought of, "Am I really going to be able to make it to my next stop?" ran in and out of my head all morning. Since everything was soaking wet when I arrived at Terrace Bay yesterday evening due to the freak rain shower, my gear was spread out all over the room. Finally everything was packed and the last thing I did was to change into my bike shorts. I did the usual slathering of the same concoction of 40% zinc oxide and A + D ointment, and tiger balm on my quads and sit bones. More Ibuprofen was downed and away I went. Today, I got a nice headwind. Great.
I knew that I would need to use all my remaining energy to get out of my body and into my head if I was going to last. My body was going to do what it was going to do. As painful as it is, this comes as no surprise anymore - only horrendous disappointment. But, the show must go on as I have said before. As I was biking along I thought much about Stephanie and relationships. I raced through the laundry list of challenges that I face in relationships. I've written about this before. I've also connected it to being an adoptee, from an attachment perspective. So, biking about 10 mph into a headwind and up more hills, I pondered this and connected it to this trip and part of the reason I am doing this bike ride. And in almost an instant, the picture became so clear to me. It was shocking and mildly entertaining. I had to chuckle at how it all came together.
I wrote a few days ago about the biking constant in my life. I do it for fitness, I do it to learn, I do it to heal, I do it to become, I do it because I love it. Today biking became a metaphor for relationships - in fact pretty much the whole first part of the day was one giant metaphor. Here's how it all shook out in my head. The road is a relationship. It can be long, short, or anywhere in between. It can be rough or smooth, or some of both. There are small cracks and cavernous ones the size of small canyons that can flatten a tire or dent a rim in the blink of an eye. There are hills - mountain passes - winding curves, and descents that are gentle and rolling, or a steep drop. There are others on this road. Some of those others cheer you on, some do nothing, others suck you in, while still others try and push you off the road. Sometimes there are unforeseen barriers - road construction, freak rainstorms, severe storms, flat tires,...other times, you get miles of a gentle descent with beautiful scenery, and for a little while, there seems to be no pain in your body.
The bike is your set of tools that you have to negotiate and navigate the road (metaphor for relationship). It takes alot of work to use the tools that you have. You have to know when to shift gears, when to get out of the saddle and push hard up that climb, when to coast and loosen your grips on the handlebars. You have to know when to brake and when to get off and take a rest. The bike needs to be taken care of so it can take care of you. It needs constant attention and maintenance. You have to know when to take the clues and cues. While all of this is going on, you are powering the bike. It can be draining and down right miserable at times. It also can be very rewarding and fulfilling other times. But the work is constant in order for it to keep going. For me, I bike because I love it. It gives me a sense of being, of belonging, and of necessity. It allows me to connect, intimately, with myself and what's around me. Even through the hard work and pain, I do it because I love it. In relationship, the bike is a collection of things such as communication tools, negotiating skills, compromises, compassion, forgiveness, trust, and love. They are all necessary for successful relationships, they all take work - hard work at times, and they always require ongoing practice and fine tuning.
The pain that has settled deep into my body is like the baggage I have with me all the time. We all have it. Most of the time, while always aware that it's there, I don't feel it. I just know it's there. Other times it comes surging forth with raging violence. I moan, I scream, I cry, I curse into the air. I want to give up. I want to quit. I am reminded of the pain my body carries and I am reminded with a vengeance. Sometimes in relationship, our baggage is triggered and it comes surging forward. Try as we might to hold it at bay, we are no match for the residual cumulative emotions of hurt that we have carried with us for so long. It's until we embrace this pain and bring it into the presence of each moment as part of that moment, and learn the ways to gently heal it, that we will always carry the same pain with us. Currently on this ride, I am just starting the process of embracing the pain. When it hurts so bad, it's hard to imagine bringing it in and allowing it to be a part of me and a part of this process when I want nothing more than for it to go away. It's a work in progress.
The wind represented forces that cause tension and stress in relationship. While in my face it nearly stops me from progressing. I get down in my tuck trying to get out of it as much as possible in order to keep pushing on. It steals away the enjoyment of a downhill after laboring up a mountain pass. It nearly wipes me off the edge of the cliff as it bursts into my side. It roars in my ears - screaming and mocking relentlessly. The sweat pours down my face, the curse words come out, the breathing becomes anguished, and the burn in my quads is unbearable. But, I push through because the wind will not defeat me. Then, with one turn, what was once my enemy, my stress, my misery, is now my aid, my coach, my power. I am carried up the hills by its friendly push. I am cooled by its gentle fanning. I am carried along almost effortlessly by its guiding currents.
As this whole metaphor played out before me, I began to again think about Stephanie and my relationship with her. We're doing the long distance thing because of her job in Louisville. I think we're still in the adjustment period and with me on this bike trip and Stephanie still settling into her life in Louisville, I think we've been plenty distracted. I know a long distance relationship will be a big test of my abilities to navigate the relationship road with all of its challenges and rewards. As I think back on past relationships and critical formative experiences, I know I have been hurt, I know I have hurt others, and I know I have hurt myself. I don't think that means I am damaged goods forever, but it will take me and only me to make those repairs and keep up with the necessary maintenance. My heart is happy with Stephanie and it feels good. Even though we are far apart, I feel good about our communication and our negotiating of the time we can spend together. While far from perfect, I try hard to not carry in old wounds. That's something that still needs more work, but I do trust her and since we are faced with having to do a long distance relationship, I can't think of anyone else I'd want to do this with and feel fairly comfortable about it. Don't get me wrong, it's still far less than ideal, but we do what we can with what we're given and we work hard and because we are committed, we make it work. I want to continue in this relationship and work through whatever curves might come up in our road, steep mountain passes we have to climb, semi-trucks almost running us over, etc., together because I know we can do it together. I have a confidence in this like I haven't felt before. As I was thinking about all of this and smiling, and feeling my heart smile at just the thought of Stephanie, I said aloud, "I believe I can do this."
"I believe I can do this" is a mantra I kept repeating to myself all through the ride today. I believe I can make it up this hill. I believe I can make it to my next stopping point. I believe I can conquer my pain. I believe I can make it until the end of the week. I believe I can make it to the end of the ride. I believe in myself that I can do this! And in keeping with the metaphor of this bike ride to relationship, I believe I can do this relationship and do it well with Stephanie. I felt a surge of reassuring optimism and emotion course through my body. My eyes welled with tears - good ones this time - and I just felt like this moment, this trip, this relationship, me - this is all right and good. I can have coaches and cheerleaders. I can have motivators and inspiration. I can heal and grow. But, at the end of the day, if I don't believe it for my own self and in myself, those coaches, cheerleaders, inspirers, etc., are only going to carry me as far as their words. "I believe I can do this" is a mantra that has to go beyond being said aloud. It has to be felt and lived to every word, to every moment, all the way through.
My biking constant gave me high clarity and presence of mind and body today. It connected the physical with the emotional and I felt grateful and humbled. The panoramic scenery of Lake Superior and the pine covered mountains only added to the visible component of the grandeur of the whole day. I stopped for lunch at the summit of a climb, perched on a rocky outcropping watching the cars and trucks trapsing up and down the hill. I journaled about my thoughts while, once again, partaking in a peanut butter/banana/honey sandwich and granola. I'm just over a quarter of the way done with the ride. Day 6 is now done. I have 14 days left - 3 days left in Canada. It's been an epic ride so far!
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