As I was standing in the ocean on Jeju Islands, I felt my feet sink into the soft sand beneath the water's surface. I watched as the water enveloped my toes, moved up my feet, and swirled around my ankles. The cool touch of its lapping and the sweet salty ocean breeze brought me to a place of complete serenity. All of the people splashing about on the beach just a small distance away, and the laughter of the two girls engaging in their own photo shoot - all of it melted away and there I was. There I was where Korea's land met the sea and I felt it tug at me. I wanted to just release myself into everything that is this country - its lands, its people, its ocean, its buildings, its culture, its language, but most importantly, its incredibly significant place that it has come to occupy in my heart and in my mind. I wanted to go there with every part of me. I still do.
This morning, we had to say goodbye to some friends that were leaving. Although we'd only known them for a handful of days, I think the magnitude of this experience has brought us all close together in ways that we might never have thought possible. Experiences like this change lives and they change lives deeply and meaningfully - far more than any words could explain. As I was hugging them goodbye and waiting for their elevator to arrive, I was overcome with such sadness. And as one of them wiped away a few tears, it was hard for me to not let mine flow. Seeing them go was a harsh reinforcement of the reality that this trip is almost over. Tomorrow it's back to Seoul and then Monday it will be back to Minnesota. And while I miss my family, my cats, my friends, and my home, being here has allowed me to be the most authentic, the most attached, and the most real person that I have ever been. I know I am home home when I am here. How am I supposed to go back to "normal" in Minnesota when Korea and everything that it is will no longer exist for me in that I am immersed in it, but only through some photos? It hurts my heart to think of that and to know that in a couple of days, this will be my reality.
I never knew I could feel this way. I never knew something could have so much meaning in my life. I never knew I could love a place and everything about it so much. I never knew I could feel so complete. Thinking more and more about my travels back to Minnesota come with a very heavy heart. I'm not ready to leave the people that I've met. I'm not ready to be re-absorbed into the life that I left in Minnesota. I'm not ready to go back to a place and a time where I never felt 100%. I'm just not ready. But it's coming. The challenge is to figure out how to find some closure to this experience. Not a closure to tuck it away, but a closure to figure out how to let everything that has been being physically here, be an intentional part of my life while not being here.
I think alot has changed for me on this trip. I think alot of gaps have been filled. I think alot of connections have been made. I don't think I am the same person I was 2 weeks ago. I dont think I could ever return to being that person. Without meaning for it to be an insult, I feel like everything back in Minnesota is so insignificant. Nothing that was a big deal is a big deal anymore. I feel like I've detatched from so much of my life there and become so attached to what it means for me to be here. And standing in the water yesterday, watching the waves role in and out and feeling that pull - a pull on my body, and a pull on my soul to just release myself to Korea - to my home.
this is so beautiful and powerful. thank you for sharing this. i grew up surrounded by the ocean and it has always been what i think about when i think about korea and belonging and home and leaving. <3
ReplyDeleteWow... I completely understand what your feeling. I felt the same way leaving my first time too, though I was never able to articulate it like this. Beautiful post.
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