What These Asian Eyes Say

I'm in Kindergarten, I'm in first grade, I'm in second grade, third grade, fourth grade, on and on...I've lost count of how many times someone looked at me and pulled the corners of their eyes so their eyes slanted. Usually this gesture would be followed by calling me Chinese. I've lost track of how many, probably these same people, pulled the corners of their eyes upwards to slant them for Chinese and downwards to slant them for Japanese. And they'd do this to no one else but the only Asian kid in class. Me. At the time, I didn't think too much of it. I knew my eyes looked different. But I don't recall it ever being a huge painful ordeal in my life - at least not then. I knew they were doing it to tease me, but I never really paid it much attention and perhaps since I didn't react, they grew bored and stopped. Now, however, as I look back on those early years in my life, it is a painful memory and I understand now the full meaning behind their teasing. The sad thing is, I still get "slanty eyes" done to me, but in different ways.


This afternoon I was driving home from work. Maybe it was a combination of the seemingly never-ending construction that doesn't just congest one major intersection, it congests all major intersections and roads. Perhaps it was the two idiots that pulled out in front of me and screwed up the order of the lines at one such torn apart intersection. Perhaps it is the exhaustion on all levels that I still feel as I am recovering from my trip back from Korea. Perhaps it is being re-submerged in the world of social justice at work that has my mind spinning through all sorts of different things. Or perhaps it is because it was just that terrible! The other day, someone I know made some comment referencing Asian drivers on the West coast who are terrible drivers because they have slanty eyes and bad peripheral vision because of this.

*A moment while I upend some furniture, punch a few walls, and yell out some profanity...*


I could not believe what I had just heard. Unfortunately, or actually, totally fortunately, I did not hear it directly from the source. I was told about it. It really is hard for me to believe, although I know it to be true all too well, that people are this ignorant, racist, and just all around terrible! This comment has hurt me so deeply. I have not been able to get it out of my head. And as I was driving home, and while maybe being a combination of some or all of the things above, I found myself growing steadily more angry. I know this person! I've known this person for a long time. I'm pretty certain this person knows that I am Asian (said in sarcasm)! What the hell?!?! Do you not know that you were including me as an Asian person in that horribly racist oppressive comment? Do you really not care about people that much to say such a horrendous thing? I don't understand! It's not fair. You think it's easy for me and other people of color to navigate this world? And how do you think it makes it easier and better when people like you say things like that and only perpetuate the racism and oppressive violence through words of ignorance, mockery, and hate?


And how many more times do I need to be exoticized, sexualized, and objectified because I am Asian? You like me because I am some "hot Asian?" What am I supposed to do with that? How many more white, male-identified, male-bodied people need to tell me they wish I was a boy because they're attracted to young Asian men? How many more people need to tell me that they're only attracted to Asian (oftentimes female-bodied) individuals and wonder if that means they're racist? And when will people start seeing me as an Asian person with all of the identities that I carry? When will I be recognized, supported, and validated for that? I'm treated as invisible as a person of color because I'm an adoptee and have a very American (white) culture. I'm sometimes treated as less worthy or something to be tolkenized or objectified because I'm Korean, an adoptee, queer, and transgress gender in terms of how we view gender, especially how we view gender in Asian cultures. I'm not an "other" for anyone. I am a someone for everyone. We all are and should be treated as such.


Unfortunately some people will never change. There will always be those who say and do horrible things to those who are different. Why is it that we are then left with the intense, and overpowering at times, feelings of hurt, anger, fear, sadness, rejection, and exhaustion as we internalize these messages and then have to work through them? Where do we find the energy time and time again to continue to rise above the racism, the classism, ableism, sexism, ageism, sizeism, genderism, exoticism, etc.? How do we take our hot anger, cuz y'all definitely piss us off, and turn it into cold anger so that we can be constructive and strategic in our organizing, community building, and intentional and direct actions to change the systems in which you all who call us "slanty eyes" in all the ways that you do are a part of?


How I wish the words "that hurts," were enough to make people realize how hurtful they are and to say a simple "I'm sorry." It goes a long way folks. Otherwise I ask, what good are you in this world that is desperate for social justice, inclusion, and freedom from such verbal, emotional, and physical attacks in the name of prejudice, racism, oppression, and ignorance? I am a person just like you. I may look different. I may act different. I may have had far different experiences than you and my values may be different. I may have different interests and skill sets. There are most likely quite a bit of differences, but how about you try and embrace those differences and respect them and realize that our differences make us unique and are things to be celebrated - not hated and teased. I'm a person just like you are and we deserve the same goodness out of life. Can't we help each other out? I'd like to think we're on the same side. Perhaps that's too wishful of thinking.