Three and a Half Weeks

For as long as I can remember, each time I step outside at night, my first inclination is to turn my head upwards to gaze at the night sky. Whether I am in the brightest of cities enveloped by the piercing urban lights, or in the darkest of rural lands where the only direction I know for certain is revealed by an impressive star-filled sky, I will always look up.

I've been in those spaces between the stars at various points in my life - dark, sad, content, peaceful, lost, wandering, comfortable in the shadows. The experiences of my past and what lies ahead for me are all up there. The night sky has always carried a feeling of familiarity. It's like a regular homecoming each time I can see the stars even if it's just a few in the city or what I am sure are to be trillions in the country. My body experiences an instantaneous energy shift and suddenly I am nakedly aware of it's vastness and mystery. For someone who likes routines, guarantees, organization, and schedules, when I look at the night sky I feel completely at peace with just letting go. I know the parts of me that are up there - some I am intimately familiar with, others, I have not yet met.

This blog comes three and a half weeks before I leave on a potentially once in a lifetime trip back to the place I was born - to my home home. I'll be traveling to Seoul, South Korea. For 32 years I have lived in the United States. Minnesota to be exact. I know practically nothing about my cultural heritage. I know nothing about my birth family. What I do know about my adoption story and how I came to be available for adoption is most likely untrue. What I do know is that I am a person with no history, at least no tangible history, of my blood. I feel plucked and placed and while I feel I have had a very good life as an "American," it is only a small part of me - a part I had no say in, a part that stripped me so far away from my core that I have no concept of what that core is. Having nothing to hold that is representative of the depths of my own personhood is strangely familiar. I guess I've gotten used to the holes that have existed in my life and in me.

I do not look at this trip as something that will provide all of the answers and fill all of the holes. In fact, I know that I may very well come back with more questions than answers. While it is hard to believe that I am actually going to get to have this experience in my life, I am also trying to remain somewhat separate from it as I know that no matter how hard I try and imagine what it will be like, until each moment comes, I will have no idea. I want to be able to take everything as it comes and absorb everything I can. Without shields and expectations I feel I will have a truer experience of what waits for me in Korea. Mostly, I am trying to keep any sort of defenses of any kind down as I prepare to return to the orphanage in which I spent the first 6.5 months of my life. I've seen photos but I long to run my hands along the cribs, touch the toys, breathe the air, and just take in all it has to offer. The thought of occupying the same space now at 32 years old that I did when I was an infant is an intense array of brain processes and emotions even without expectations. I plan to ask for my files and I hope that there is something there for me to look at. Even a small bit of vague information is better than nothing.

I'll also be presenting at an international conference in Seoul called The Gathering. My topic will involve discussions of the unique and challenging experiences of Korean Adoptees who identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and/or queer in terms of identity development and relationships. Adoptees, especially from Korea, seem to be a highly researched group and there is much information out there on the experiences, travels back to Korea, reunifications, cultural and ethnic identity development, attachment, etc., but to date, I have not come across anything that is specifically on how all of these experiences and developmental processes are affected and/or different when we look at the intersections of gender and sexuality in terms of gender identities and/or sexual orientations. This will be an amazing professional experience for me and it's a topic that is close to me because of the various identities I carry as a Queer Korean Adoptee.

My original plan was to start this blog the night before I left, however, this trip has been on my mind quite a bit and I felt compelled to start now and have this be an opportunity for me to write about my experiences leading up to the trip, on the trip, and post-trip. I'll be gone August 1-16 and am excited, anxious, nervous, and all sorts of other emotions I am sure I cannot put words on at this moment, for this trip. And just know, for those of you who keep up with this blog, that while in Korea, I'll be looking up at the sky each night leaving more pieces of myself to wander and acquainting myself with those pieces I have not yet met all while being home home.