Faith

34 hours. You know it's getting close when you start counting down in hours instead of days! The reality of Korea continues to sink further into my being. It still doesnt all seem quite real to me, but it's getting closer and I find myself more emotional just thinking about it. I dont think I can say enough times what an overwhelming (in a good way) and powerful journey - pilgrimage really - of self-discovery this is going to be. I'm ready for it!

As much as I always say I believe things happen for a reason and that everything will turn out how it's supposed to, I think closer to the surface than I cared to admit, I really didnt buy it. It just seemed like a glamorous and hopeful way to frame the crap we step in in life and to, at least for me, have a rational excuse, a justification, to get out of doing the hard work in whatever situation. And while I maintained this nonchalant, kick my feet up attitude, inside, my body was screaming out in pain and agony as I desperately tried to fit square peg after square peg into round hole after round hole.

What does faith mean anyway? Growing up, faith always carried a religious connotation. Faith in the Lord, faith in the Spirit, faith in Christ, faith in God, faith in a life guided by God, etc. etc. But I have never felt like I had that kind of faith. Without going into a discussion of my spiritual beliefs (perhaps another blog), what I can say is that I just kind of clumsily crashed my way through life. In hindsight, it doesnt appear I had any true direction. I had direction I thought I was supposed to go. I had direction I really wanted to go, but I never felt like I was able to trust in anything to guide me except myself with a death grip on the reins.


It's interesting the timing of this trip. With some major life changes that have been happening to me and a reacquainting myself with myself, this upcoming trip is really having quite an impact on my way of being with myself and within the world. It feels good. I feel more free. I feel better about myself and in turn, I am a better person in the spaces I occupy. My mind feels clearer and my body feels more relaxed and at ease even when I step in life's crap. As I've blogged about memories, thoughts, feelings, wonders, etc. associated with this trip, I feel as if a part of me that I never knew was in there has emerged. Without even questioning why or really even wondering, I've just let it come out and come into this world and come into its own. It feels pretty amazing and this emergence of this different level of me I guess has really helped me feel more united within myself. With this unification has come more clarity and peace of mind.

What is faith to me today? As I have evolved over the past handful of months getting ready for this trip, I have realized what faith is to me. Faith is letting go and letting whatever will be be. No questions. No attachments. No interpreted or manufactured meaning. Just being for the sake of being. It's a very Buddhist kind of thinking I think, but it's really allowed me to exist in a place of peace and serenity and it's been awhile since I've felt serene in my life. I've mentioned before how I am a scheduler, a planner, and organized. I like to know the answers. I like guarantees in life. I like certainty. This trip and my emotional journey as it draws closer has really taught me, without even an intentional lesson, to have faith. It's all I can have. No matter how hard I try, that square peg will never fit into that round hole. No matter how much I try and control a situation or worry about someone elses life, I will always be neglecting myself. No matter how much I search for the answers I think there should be, I'll never find them. I think in order to authentically mean and believe it when I say everything happens for a reason, I really do have to have faith in that and that the meaning will have its meaning for its meaning's sake, not mine.


When I translate this into my own personal ways of moving about in this world, I feel as if it is easier for me to have faith in myself, in other people, in circumstances and situations, and to have faith in the universe that it will not let me down. I have absolutely no idea what awaits me in Korea. I have no idea what experiences I will have, what emotions I will have, what I will see, and what it will all mean to me. In order to have the fullest and truest experience in this very necessary and meaningful journey, I really have been able to let go and let be. I have found my faith.