Unanswered Questions & Institutional Control

Gaps. Divides. Absences. Void. Emptiness. Darkness. Unanswered questions. Holes. Missing pieces. Loneliness. Unknowns. Incomplete. Uncertain. Gray areas. Blanks. Forgotten. Taken. Masked. Covered up...

Lies, lies, lies...

Over the past handful of months, I have found myself engaged in a variety of conversations about the adoptee experience in terms of the stories we were told, what we know of our adoption, the lies and secrets uncovered, and the struggle to function as whole complete selves without ever really feeling whole and complete. The missing pieces of our histories, our identities, our experiences, have fragmented our lives into disjointed chapters with no root beginning and endings filled with question marks.


Who better to be in charge of our own selves than our own selves right? One would think this makes perfect sense. No other person knows us better than we know ourselves. It seems that for alot of adoptees, the adoption institutions, channels, pipelines, that we have traveled through retain our information, yet we are not permitted to know all of it. These institutions get to be selective on what, if any, information is given to the adoptee seeking information about the history of their existence. This is completely absurd, appalling, disturbing, and upsetting to say the least! I know there are policies and regulations in place, or so we've been told, that put jurisdiction on what we can and cannot know. But, in whose best interest are these policies and regulations? And are adoptees the ones putting those policies and regulations in place? Um, that would be a big NO! People in post-adoption services seem to have no clue whatsoever on the incredibly painful, emotional, and frustrating journeys many adoptees go on, to varying degrees, to try and fill in the gaps and missing pieces of their lives, their beginnings, their existence in this world! The toll it takes on a person is intense as they begin to search for their life. And the people we need the most in finding and understanding critical information about our identities are usually those who look at us as suspect and will perpetuate the secrecy, the lies, and the hidden truths.

I've heard many adoptees talk about such intensely painful experiences trying to get information. As someone very recently said to me in so many words, as adoptees, we are products that were sold off and bought by consumers. The product is not supposed to complain. I'm having a very difficult time wrapping my head around the notion of someone having access to my history, my missing links, the answers to my unanswered questions, and potentially not giving me that information when I ask for it and in turn blasting me with a line of interrogative questioning as if I am on trial and have deceitful alternative motives when all I really want to do is know who I am. While I can believe large institutions, especially those driven by a multi-billion dollar profit, would without question be strategic about what information is disclosed and how that disclosure happens, if it happens at all, there is also a large part of me that cannot believe that an institution, comprised of PEOPLE, would behave that way! I AM a product, whether I like it or not. I am a human being that was trafficked, whether I like it or not. How ever I ended up in the orphanage, while I was chosen, I was bought and sold by my native country. Well this human trafficked product who was bought and sold is complaining! I'm wanting, needing, DEMANDING answers! And I, of anyone...ANYONE...deserves the right to know about myself sans interrogation, suspicion, and refusal by ANY institution!

In all my thinking and processing of this upcoming trip both just within myself and as I've networked and talked with others, while I know I may very well come back with way more questions than answers, I also feel like I am on the verge of this major discovery about myself and my life, and it could be severely halted with that immediate stoppage being completely out of my control. What will I do? As much as I try to not let the curiosity and anticipation grow, I am only human. To not be able to obtain any information would definitely be a let down. To run into the bureaucracy of adoption institutions that prevent me from obtaining all information would definitely be a let down. To know that I've come so close during perhaps a once in a lifetime opportunity would be devastating - let's not kid ourselves. And if any of these factors happen to be true for me, how do I find my own closure on all of this? How would I be able to return to my happy naive little life? And seriously knowing that's not possible, how do I move on from that point? I could ask myself these questions over and over and over again and I know that I won't know anything until I am there going through, or attempting to go through the process.

We all have our origins. We all have life experiences. We all have uniquely rich and individual pasts - histories. And we all have amazing stories to tell. As I've moved into and through adult life so far, I see evidence all the time of my missing pieces - the holes and gaps in my life and in myself. In a constant effort to be as whole, complete, and as well-cared-for of a self that I can be, I feel as if I need these answers. For so many years I was oblivious to my identities as a Korean and a Korean Adoptee. The floodgates have opened now and my curiosity, my need to know my whole self, and my seemingly instinctual desire to get back to and understand my home home, are driving this quest that has now been set forth in unstoppable motion. It's become this thing I HAVE TO do and I have to do it all the way.


Up until this point, I had never considered searching for my birth family. Even now, the thought of the process, the navigation of this process, and the extreme emotional toll, make it seem impossible, however, what if those answers are out there for me to be had and all I had to do was look? I'm not sure I can pass up that opportunity. And if it will give me clarity on who I am, I feel myself moving, with no conscious effort of my own, into this automatic need to connect on all levels to my roots so that When I Touch the Land in Korea, I am truly touching all of me.